Harry. Harry Potter.
I am a declared English literature major and I applied for graduation next semester and now I will hyperventilate obnoxiously. This semester is more than halfway over, so I feel like I'm buried under mountains of homework and papers and expectations that I can't possibly live up to. My GPA is not high enough to get into graduate school and I'll need to apply for internships and work for another year before I can think about pursuing a masters degree, which does not sound very appealing.
But, I like fantasizing that I'll be able to move out of my parents soon and be on my own forever. Maybe out of this state. Maybe out of this country. Well, maybe not. New England is a good alternative to the actual England. Old England? I digress. I'll figure it out.
This chapter of my life is interesting. It's nice. It's all about me. Looking back on my older entries here, most of my life was centered on someone else, something else. Now it's all about my future. And I'm not just whining about my indecisiveness. I've got this. I can do this.
There are moments where I feel lost and doubtful, but the moments -- however fleeting -- that I can see myself being an English professor are very refreshing. And when I think about those years that I spent wanting to be a high school teacher, I never felt like I would ever be as happy.
Who knows? I think I've made the right choice. If anything, I know who I am and who I will be and what I want to be and that balance alone makes me happy. Enough. For now.

"You forget all of it anyway. First, you forget everything you learned-the dates of the Hay-Herran Treaty and Pythagorean Theorem. You especially forget everything you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your teachers, and eventually you'll forget those, too. You forget your junior class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. For me, it was something by Simon & Garfunkel. Who knows what it will be for you? And eventually, but slowly, oh so slowly, you forget your humiliations-even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties Who could get you pot. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and even the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else." 

Yes. I've quoted this before. In 2007. Still a good quote four years later. 

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane."

Yes. I have just reduced myself to copying and pasting particular quotes I stumble upon whilst browsing or reading. My life really isn't interesting enough to ramble about. Maybe another day.

Do not stand at my grave and weep, 
I am not there, I do not sleep. 
I am in a thousand winds that blow, 
I am the softly falling snow. 
I am the gentle showers of rain, 
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight, 
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

By Mary Elizabeth Frye

You're welcome. You wasted my time, too. All six years. 
I know I'm angry. And I want to be. I've spent too much time forgiving and pushing myself to make everything appear to fine. I don't trust you and I never will. No male is worth trusting. They all have their own agenda, their own interests. You can't give them your heart.
I had the only boy worth trusting. And I pushed him away. I had someone who was there and loved me and cared about me. He never lied to me or insulted me to make himself feel better. We may have not been a perfect fit, but no one would be.
Every person is a puzzle piece. We're all different shapes and sizes. It's a big puzzle. But, none of us fit together without any effort. Our holes may be too small, the places where we stick out may be too big. It takes pushing, pulling and prodding to even get us to resemble two pieces fitting together. And even then, we keep moving, independently closer together or farther apart. So really, no one is anyone's missing piece.
It was naive to think that anyone, especially you, could come close to that.
It's not that I want too much. It's that I hoped for it.