January 10, 2013

• So, I may have opted for bed instead of writing yesterday. I think I value quality over quantity and quite frankly if I had written last night, it would have probably been just another ramble about something inane. Not that today's entry will be any different, but at least there will be one post short of stupidity.
  Now, I know that I have mentioned several times that I sort of live in a fantasy world of people and places that I just imagine in my head. It's probably some sign of autism and I know it's not as normal as I once hoped that it was, but still, even at my age, I daydream. Even at work, I sit in my chair and pretend I'm somewhere else. That is probably more understandable than making up entire people and relationships with them without ever having had a conversation with him or her. That part of my fantasy is so far from reality that I am almost positive that I should be diagnosed with some mental impairment about not being able to separate fact from fiction. It goes both ways, too. But that's an entirely different issue.
  The worst part is that I seemed to have created this person that I am absolutely, completely in love with. I have taken the physical appearance of this one guy and made him into something he is most likely not. It's terrible and embarrassing and he works at the gym. I stare at him pretty obviously while I am doing a variety of cardiovascular activities and sometimes, our eyes meet and I wonder if he knows that I have assigned him a personality and values and life that he probably does not and will not ever have. And I can't possibly fathom who this person really is or what he really is like because in my head, he already is this person that I have made up. They share the same name and the same face and the same body, but they're completely different people. 
  As I've said, I've never spoken to him. When I'm at the gym, she always suggests that I say hello, but I can't. I know that sounds silly and immature, and maybe I am, but my reasoning is pretty sound. See, if I speak to him and he's not the way I imagined him, it'll ruin the experience for me and I'll have to start over with someone else. It will make going to the gym more difficult and all of my fantasies will have been for naught. I'll cry myself to sleep every night and probably not eat for a week. And that's not even the worse scenario. If I speak to him and he's exactly the way I want him to be or better, I am in more trouble. Because then I'll pine harder and more intensely until I go too far. And then I'll be rejected which will end my world forever. Of course, I may be exaggerating with the dramatics of the situation, but it would not be a pleasant experience either way.
  Of course, this person has nothing to do with the other person I am seeing which makes my love life all the more tangled.

  And thus kicks off my new chapter of being single. 

  • 10:50 am
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