January 13, 2013
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I want to start keeping a scrapbook. I'll keep important things in there that I find or create and it'll help me keep busy.
I know that I wrote late last night and I'm still moderately obsessing over it. I need to go for a run, I think. That will help, too. I can't help wondering why I always find myself in these situations. He said something yesterday about having low self-esteem. Do I have low self-esteem? I don't think so. I may be a little critical now and then and I can be hard on myself over certain things, but I don't remember ever thinking the way that some do. And I know I'm not constantly looking for attention or fishing for compliments. Those are the only measurements of self-esteem that I know. Are there others? I don't find myself settling for what I get rather than I deserve. Or do I? Is a part of having low self-esteem not being able to recognize it? Is it like addiction? Is the first step to recovery admitting that you have a problem? But, I don't want to fix something if it's not broken. Then it's just a waste of time that could be spent finding solutions to more pressing issues. Like what should I do if he's working today? Just continue talking about nothing in particular and staying on the elliptical?
You know, maybe I'm sending off these apathetic signals and he's just taking them. Maybe it's me. I always blame everyone else for relationship issues when they most likely start with me. I have to constantly remind myself that certain people no longer speak to me because I wanted that. I started ignoring them, being stand-offish. And they take that and go. It's not because they didn't want to talk, it's because I didn't. I just forget to remember because it's easier to have no control than to have all of it.
Perhaps that's what's going on here. I have the power. He's looking to me for a decision, for a signal. And I'm just sitting here at my desk writing about it instead of doing anything decisive.
"Do we hold the future, or does it come in peace?
And if it's in my hands, are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?"
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