I need a day where I get to just stay in my pajamas, eat whatever I want to, and watch Boy Meets World marathon style in my bed. I haven't had a lazy day in months. Years, even. I always have or find something that I have to get dressed for. Like the gym. Who am I kidding. It's always the gym. I practically live at the gym. I should list the gym as my second residence. I'm that pathetic.
Anyway, the sun is out today and it's a lovely thirty degrees Fahrenheit outside. So naturally, I'm sitting in the office with the electric space heater blasting heat at my feet and increasing the electric bill astronomically. But, you know, I don't feel any guilt from this. If I'm working and no one is coming in, I am definitely going to at least be comfortable doing nothing. If you don't want to pay a ridiculous amount of money to keep me warm, give me days off. Learn. 
Earlier today I found myself talking about loose ends. I hate loose ends, especially in relationships. Closure is always best, whether it is negative, positive, or a combination of the two. Without it, I always find myself back in situations that I really could have avoided if I had just been able to tie everything up in the first place. She's been crushing on a boy who's texts are becoming scarce. She has been worried that he's done with her and that he's just trying to slowly disappear out of her life. Her obsessing and worrying about this results in massive texts to me about what's happening - or not happening, rather -- and what she should do. 
Now. If this were me, I would have given up long ago. If I feel like someone is pulling away, I tend to just break it off immediately, no questions asked. Because it's easier to forget than it is to stick around and get your heart ripped out. So I don't trust anyone, I don't expect anything, and I'm really always just waiting for disappointment. Maybe I'm just jaded, but I think this is the way to go. I don't want to be miserable. Love shouldn't be miserable. Not every time.
So, my advice to her was just to wait. Waiting. Time. If he doesn't text back, than he won't. And you can forget those loose ends. They'll just fray away. No harm done. It's like they didn't exist. I always find it more difficult to tie the loose ends than to just let them go. It may result in stupid choices later on if they don't go away, but all in all, a clean break though painful is usually the best kind.
It's been almost ten months. I hope you're happy wherever you are.

Love is just loose ends
Untied shoe laces fraying
Until it's all gone.

And we're back to the haikus.
Happy Friday.

I'm writing drafts of a letter to Jane Austen and I can't get it quite right. Perhaps it's because I don't know exactly what I want from her. I'll just keep writing until I figure it out.
The staring is getting worse. The other day, he circled behind me and stared at me while walking away. What is that? I mean, seriously? I know I stare too, but at least I do it from a distance. I do not get up close and personal with my obsession. Keep your distance, I'll keep mine and then we can keep pretending that we are in love. Oh, what's that? It's just me? Well, that's no surprise.
It's really easy for me to forget about things that once mattered to me. It might take a few days, but eventually I just stop caring. I think it's my compartmentalization and I think I may have almost perfected the technique. I can think about that night two weeks ago and I do not even remember the regret. In fact, I'm glad it happened. But I'm tired of the relationship just limping along. Just kill it. Let it die. I hate the tediousness of everything. I'd rather continue my unadulterated fantasy in my head than deal with a real person. With that being said, I recognize that this may be a problem. I choose to ignore it.
For some reason, running has become harder lately. This week in particular has been difficult. I feel tired quicker and my legs and arms are just sore all the time. It may have something to do with the yoga class I took on Monday, but that should have worn off yesterday. I just want to run for an hour and not feel like a noodle  at the four mile mark. I've been eating plenty and I took a three hour nap yesterday. I don't know what it could be. I have goals. I can't reach them if I can't practice now. Hopefully, my run today will be the turning point.
The people that come to the gym with me only run for a half an hour - just for cardio. Not for enjoyment, not for meditation, not for training. It's about how many calories burned and how long they feel like going for. Not like me. I run to clear my head and to get my legs moving. I run to feel like I'm floating and to lengthen my endurance. And I always find that running has a strange peacefulness about it, despite the high intensity of the exercise. I feel like humans are built to run. Why did we ever stop? We shouldn't have forgotten what it's like to have to do physical labor to stay alive. And it's pathetic that we had to create places to do exercises because most of us sit around all day, myself included. I'd like an active job, but the closest I can get to that with my degree is a treadmill desk, which are very expensive.
But, I digress.
I just want someone to run with. That's all. 

I think I'll write a letter to Jane Austen. She needs to hear from me.
The weather is acting up around here. It was seriously warm when I left for work yesterday, but was cold when I went to my dentist's. What is Maryland's issue lately with winter? Last year, it practically didn't exist with temperatures never dropping below fifty or forty degrees. This year, a few days after the official first day of winter, snow. White Christmas. I missed the snow since we got all of zero last year. However, I was spoiled and I forgot what it's like to leave the house without a heavy coat when it is below freezing. I've been throwing minor fits about this, especially when I have to take daily walks with the neighbors' dog. It's worth it, but I feel like a constant ice cube. Can it just be spring already? Once the holidays are over and we're not getting any snow, I think it should be spring. Much like if we're not getting any customers, I think I should be sent home.
Today is just a day for complaining. I know I should just go talk to him. It's true. I can just say hi. That's it. But I also know that since I am involved with someone else, I actually shouldn't. Why does this happen? I always wait too long and by the time that he notices me, someone else has already staked a claim. Is it just bad luck? Why can't the person I like want me exactly at the same time? Some love takes a while and those relationships are usually the ones worth waiting for, but I'm tired of waiting. 
But taking the reins of my own life is too intimidating. Maybe I believe in some form of God because it's too scary to believe that I am the only one who has control over myself. It's easier to take your hands off the wheel and let someone else steer because if you crash, it's not your fault. 
God, please don't let me crash.

P.S. I'm not even particularly religious. 

Xeno - n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.

I found a website that has poignant definitions of random words that describe what it's like to be human. I've gotten through a few pages and I think the word xeno is my favorite so far. I like the idea of being able to measure human connection, from strangers to family, and how xeno decreases how alone you feel. I suppose that means the hire the xenos, the more that person makes you feel connected. But, the way it's measured is still quite vague. Do you have to count how many flirtatious glances, sympathetic nods, or shared laughs you have with someone to get a general idea? And how do those things convert to xenos? Does each gesture make a xeno? Or does it take three or five or twenty? And are certain gestures worth more xenos, like a kiss or hug? What about intimacy? Is there a limit to how many xenos someone can have with someone else? I also think that someone can have negative xenos, too.
It's strange that I think I have more xenos with the boy that I haven't spoken to than with the boy that I've slept with. When the former is there, I feel less alone than when the latter is and I'm reminded how much I wish I had just gone right home that night. Yesterday, the one I haven't spoken to was there with his father. I was at the front of the gym doing my obsessive cardiovascular exercises and my friend commented about how he kept looking over in our direction. I'm relieved to know that it's not my imagination that he looks, but I am sure it's only because I started it. It's a retaliation stare, not an interested one. Although, I hope that it's just as distracting. 
With this new xeno measurement, I kind of want to make a chart and assign xenos to people in my life. But first I would have to figure out what human interactions are worth. Maybe I'll do that after my dentist appointment. It'll prove to be interesting.

I want to start keeping a scrapbook. I'll keep important things in there that I find or create and it'll help me keep busy.
I know that I wrote late last night and I'm still moderately obsessing over it. I need to go for a run, I think. That will help, too. I can't help wondering why I always find myself in these situations. He said something yesterday about having low self-esteem. Do I have low self-esteem? I don't think so. I may be a little critical now and then and I can be hard on myself over certain things, but I don't remember ever thinking the way that some do. And I know I'm not constantly looking for attention or fishing for compliments. Those are the only measurements of self-esteem that I know. Are there others? I don't find myself settling for what I get rather than I deserve. Or do I? Is a part of having low self-esteem not being able to recognize it? Is it like addiction? Is the first step to recovery admitting that you have a problem? But, I don't want to fix something if it's not broken. Then it's just a waste of time that could be spent finding solutions to more pressing issues. Like what should I do if he's working today? Just continue talking about nothing in particular and staying on the elliptical?
You know, maybe I'm sending off these apathetic signals and he's just taking them. Maybe it's me. I always blame everyone else for relationship issues when they most likely start with me. I have to constantly remind myself that certain people no longer speak to me because I wanted that. I started ignoring them, being stand-offish. And they take that and go. It's not because they didn't want to talk, it's because I didn't. I just forget to remember because it's easier to have no control than to have all of it. 
Perhaps that's what's going on here. I have the power. He's looking to me for a decision, for a signal. And I'm just sitting here at my desk writing about it instead of doing anything decisive. 
"Do we hold the future, or does it come in peace?
And if it's in my hands, are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?"

Technically, it's still Saturday because I haven't slept yet, right? Right.
I really should have heeded my own advice and followed a five date rule. Really. Because now, I don't even know. Last Friday, on the third date, I know what should have happened. We should have had dinner and then I should have gotten into my car and drove home. I should have maybe thanked him for being a gentleman and kissed him goodnight. I should have listened to that voice inside my head and been cautious. I should have told him that I can't stay. But what did I do instead? Stupid things.
And now I can't stop thinking about it.
We still talk, but he doesn't invite me out anymore. He's nice and I don't think any less of him, so perhaps he feels the same about me. I just wish I had some definitive knowledge about what we are so I can move on properly and not feel like I should hit my head against a brick wall. It's not that I feel unrequited love coming on. In fact, I don't think I want any attachment at all. I just don't want to cause any potential future awkwardness or negativity. Please, please let this sort itself out. Soon. 
Like, tomorrow.

I need to clean soon,
Beads and buttons everywhere.
But I don't have time.

Yes, I've been writing haikus. Don't judge me.

You know you need to be wearing glasses when you're driving at night and you think a mailbox is a pedestrian.
He was there last night. And as I was doing my daily staring and hyperventilating, we kept meeting eyes. Which made my hyperventilation even worse. I'm lucky I didn't faint or fall off the elliptical. I wonder if he was looking at me because he felt me looking at him or if he notices me like I notice him. if it's the former, he's probably curious as to why a fourteen year old is staring at him intently while pretending to be watching NCIS on the television in front of her. Well, maybe not curious. I'm pretty transparent. It's a real problem. I need to channel the energy I use to obsess over a stranger into something more productive and healthier.

Sweat, soap, snow, sighing.
How much longer will I wait?
Sweat, soap, snow, single.

So, I may have opted for bed instead of writing yesterday. I think I value quality over quantity and quite frankly if I had written last night, it would have probably been just another ramble about something inane. Not that today's entry will be any different, but at least there will be one post short of stupidity.
Now, I know that I have mentioned several times that I sort of live in a fantasy world of people and places that I just imagine in my head. It's probably some sign of autism and I know it's not as normal as I once hoped that it was, but still, even at my age, I daydream. Even at work, I sit in my chair and pretend I'm somewhere else. That is probably more understandable than making up entire people and relationships with them without ever having had a conversation with him or her. That part of my fantasy is so far from reality that I am almost positive that I should be diagnosed with some mental impairment about not being able to separate fact from fiction. It goes both ways, too. But that's an entirely different issue.
The worst part is that I seemed to have created this person that I am absolutely, completely in love with. I have taken the physical appearance of this one guy and made him into something he is most likely not. It's terrible and embarrassing and he works at the gym. I stare at him pretty obviously while I am doing a variety of cardiovascular activities and sometimes, our eyes meet and I wonder if he knows that I have assigned him a personality and values and life that he probably does not and will not ever have. And I can't possibly fathom who this person really is or what he really is like because in my head, he already is this person that I have made up. They share the same name and the same face and the same body, but they're completely different people. 
As I've said, I've never spoken to him. When I'm at the gym, she always suggests that I say hello, but I can't. I know that sounds silly and immature, and maybe I am, but my reasoning is pretty sound. See, if I speak to him and he's not the way I imagined him, it'll ruin the experience for me and I'll have to start over with someone else. It will make going to the gym more difficult and all of my fantasies will have been for naught. I'll cry myself to sleep every night and probably not eat for a week. And that's not even the worse scenario. If I speak to him and he's exactly the way I want him to be or better, I am in more trouble. Because then I'll pine harder and more intensely until I go too far. And then I'll be rejected which will end my world forever. Of course, I may be exaggerating with the dramatics of the situation, but it would not be a pleasant experience either way.
Of course, this person has nothing to do with the other person I am seeing which makes my love life all the more tangled.

And thus kicks off my new chapter of being single. 

Another day, another seventy two dollars. Well, minus taxes.
I always thought of myself as more mature. Sure, I regress sometimes, but in general, I feel like I act more like I'm in my mid-twenties. And if you factor in the way I fall asleep before eleven on the weekends and confine myself to my bedroom on significant holidays, I can be the catless cat lady that I have proclaimed that I will become when I hit fifty. So basically, I'm old and I act like it. At least, that's what I used to feel like. 
For the most part, I've surrounded myself with those younger than me. I don't know why. It's just who I get along better with and who I most identify with. It was like that throughout high school and college. I thought it would continue forever. But now that I'm involved with someone four years older, I keep second guessing my maturity. It's a strange thing to happen, considering my past of early maturation, imagined or not. I find myself driving down my road, belting out some over played pop song, and wondering if I'm acting too childishly. Too teenagery. Am I allowed to read teen supernatural romance novels still? Can I still see the movies? Is obsessing over a television show no longer acceptable at twenty six? I don't know the rules. This is new territory. 
But I guess leaving your comfort zone is the only way to have real adventure. And maybe, this is what needs to happen in order to wake me up from this gray nothingness that has been my boring life for the past six months or so.

We'll see.

My first sacrifice to write: sleep. It's past my bedtime, but here I am, trying to keep my promises.
Well, first and foremost, I need to get my eating habits under control. I think it's okay to keep track of what one eats on a daily basis without being on a strict diet. However, when it becomes as obsessive as I am with it, counting calories becomes unhealthy. And I know it's unhealthy. So why can't I stop? What's wrong with me? A lot. A lot is wrong with me. I know I have a somewhat negative relationship with food and I know that I don't always make the best choices at meal time. I've been heavy and I've been thin and I understand that it's up to me to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I just go from one extreme to the other. Happy medium. Happy. Medium. I've said this about many things throughout writing in this blog and eating falls into that category. Extremes are never the way to go. Black and white is not the way to view things. Moderation is the key. I just need to practice what I know is good and stop my craziness. Hopefully, I can get on track soon because if I continue like I am this week, I may become invisible by the end of the month. That, or I'll be seeing a therapist.
On a completely unrelated note, I've been thinking about jobs lately. Ironically and maybe embarrassingly, I tend to do a lot of job searching at my current job. I have a lot of down time and I find myself going onto Google and trying to seek out a job that I could actually use my degree doing. The closest I get to using my degree is writing emails to various peoples throughout the day. And even then, I have to use small words because those working in the business I am currently may not even have a high school education. Some do not even understand basic English. But that's another problem. I want to read stories, I want to write papers, I want to do something with literature, I want to get paid more than eight dollars and fifty cents per hour. I did not spend four years at a college and getting my Bachelors degree to be making only a dollar more than minimum wage. I recognize that even having a job at this moment is something to be thankful for, but I can't be too grateful since I feel like my soul slowly dies every time a customer comes in and asks me if I'm planning on going to college. If I was a dog, I would growl. It's very frustrating. And tomorrow, it'll happen all over again. The only thing I look forward to any more is going to the gym. But that is a story for another day. 
And I just thoroughly depressed myself by thinking about what a pathetic life I currently have. Here's to another monotonous day.