April 19, 2013

• I'm not sure how I feel.
  I mean, aside from my allergies being back with aggression, I feel sort of...gray. Kind of like the sky today. 
  I've been doing the same thing for about a year now and I don't think I really could handle another one. This monotonous lifestyle may be easy but it's not fun. Or exciting. Definitely not fulfilling. I feel like I talk about how bored I am on a regular basis and I understand that it's my fault that I'm unhappy. It's up to me to fix it. I have the power. 
  So, why do I feel helpless?
  The other day, my boss's wife called me "sweetie" in a really condescending way. I'm still offended by it. I know she probably didn't realize how inappropriate it was to call a twenty two year old employee of her husband's by a pet name she probably calls her fifteen year old daughter, but I still am seething over it. I have a theory that since I look young, people treat me as such, even if they know I'm older. It's like they look at me and because I'm not wearing makeup and my chest is considerably smaller than it used to be, I get defaulted to teenager status. They could know me for years and still they talk to me like I'm a child. It's really frustrating because I feel like I act younger because others see me that way. So, I conform and regress because people hold me to a lower standard since I don't look my age. It's not fair. And I'm really tired of it.
  Although, maybe people see me as younger because I don't feel like an adult. It's like a big circle of cause and effect and I can't figure out the beginning. Either way, it makes me feel like I can't solve my own problems.
  And we're back to boring and restless.

  Tick, tock, four o'clock,
  It never comes fast enough.
  So I keep staring.

  My haikus need practice clearly.

  • 12:30 pm
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