November 20, 2008
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I'm secretive. I'll evade. I won't explain. I keep to myself. I'll be quiet. I will hide. I'll pretend everything is okay.
No, you won't know. You won't understand. You can't get me to tell you. No matter how hard you try. No matter how much you seem to care.
And that will never change.
I'm sorry. I keep to myself and I don't want to trouble anyone else with my silly life. It's not worth it. I've gotten too complicated to explain and I'm most likely too broken to fix. That sounds very dramatic and strangely emo, but it's there. Nothing can be done to change that.
I've been through more than most people know and I'm getting very worn out. I'm getting weaker and weaker. At this point, all I feel like doing is running away with what little hope and strength I have left. I'm not sure I can deal with any more of this pointless drama that my life seems riddled with.
That is why I can no longer carry on that friendship. It's too difficult and not worth all the pain I'm sure it causes him as well as me. I've had to end it.
I did my best to explain this to him as delicately as I could. Without, of course, telling him everything. He did not understand. And he's handling this very poorly.
I wish I could rely on him to act like a proper human being and be as compassionate as possible. But, I can't. Instead he's being childish and rude because, to his standards, I am not giving him a proper explanation.
All he really wants to hear is what I won't ever say. Not out loud, not in my head, and not on paper. It would give him too much satisfaction and that's the last thing I want.
If I told him the truth, he'll revel in it and I'll just become more and more hard to handle. So, even though I did write him a letter, it doesn't say these words. In fact, it's so vague that I'm sure all it'll cause is more anger on his side.
But, I don't care. I don't care anymore. We'll each go our separate ways. We'll lose track of the other. And we'll live our lives as if nothing ever happened between us.
Because neither of us will ever change.
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